It’s been seven years. Seven years since my midlife meltdown twenty years too early, my life and identity crisis. I had just graduated from seminary, where I had studied to go on the mission field.
Except I didn’t go on the mission field.
I stayed in a Dallas suburb to marry Chris, a decision I’ve never regretted. I have only to look at my sexy, caring husband and our beautiful son to dispel what might encroach.
But no regrets doesn’t preclude pain and confusion, for what should I do now, in this suburban land in the middle of the Bible belt? Over the following year, I worked through this question, and I became a writer. I’ve told the story before, so I won’t rehash the details now.
Last night, the pain and confusion revisited me. What am I doing in this suburban land, lush with prosperity, glut with churches? Months of spiritual emptiness culminated after discussions last night between my husband, his sister, her husband, and myself about the possibility of opening a franchise business.
Two things scissored at the frays of my life: what does this business have to do with our pursuit of the kingdom of God? and what do I, as an artist, have to offer?
Let me leave behind the first question for now except to say that I believe business to be an important aspect to God’s kingdom work on earth. To be discussed later.
We move on to the second question, then. My husband is a brilliant businessman, an entrepreneur exuding ideas, a strategist extraordinaire. My sister-in-law knows people and knows sales. My brother-in-law can manage people and businesses like nobody’s business. Their assets form a trifecta not to be taken lightly.
Then there’s me, the trained musician and theologian, the writer, the artist who daydreams in left field as the baseball rolls by. What do I have to offer this business?
Last night, this question broadened: what do I have to offer God, our family, our church, our community? Or, more significantly, what am I offering? After years of toiling and thousands upon thousands of words, I continue to write in relative obscurity. In addition, our recent life change has limited my writing time and my publication pursuits (i.e. the business side of my writing).
Don’t get me wrong: Keegan brings a plethora of joy into my life. I adore motherhood more than I expected. Watching his fascination with life itself reminds me of the care our Creator put into forming this world for us.
But I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to the person I set out to be, and I couldn’t help but wonder what use my words are in this life.
My own writing came back to haunt me. After the tears cleared, I came to my computer this morning to find a note from Laura Boggess letting me know that The High Calling was reprinting an article I’d written for Curator Magazine about art I’d discovered at Yad Vashem, the Holocaust museum in Israel. This art was created by the persecuted in ghettos, hiding, and concentration camps. What use did such art have? What audience did they seek? I wrote: “They found a power in art separate from functional services.”
I chuckle at the irony. What use do my words have? Perhaps to remind me a year and a half later that the pursuit of beauty and truth is in itself a worthy task.
And so, today, I pick up pencil, I take to paper, and I return to my work while Keegan naps. Unuseful? Perhaps. But important all the same. May I glorify God with this work.
(P.S. You can read the article at The High Calling here.)





