I beseech thee, oh bakers of bread, slicers of meats, suppliers of groceries, upon thy honor to apprentice thyself to a Jersey baker, deli worker, and grocery supplier.

Why doest thou not slice deli meats so thinly? Learn ye to slice thy fineries onion-paper thin. Why doest thou not stock the very same American cheese as is found in so great a land as New Jersey? Learn ye to cultivate cheese with such flavor. Why doest thou not carry Ambrosia rolls and pork roll? Learn ye to discover such delicacies of life. Mayn’st thou not develop independent bakeries as fine as McMillan’s? Learn ye to mold and icing with such panache.

How now, chefs? Get thee to an Italian home!

Oh, creators of ravioli and lasagna, wherefore art thou, pasta makers? Do not deny thy father and mother but bringest them and make thy way to the desolate land of Dallas. Or, if thou will not, I will again attempt to persuade mine husband to traverse to the Garden State–garden indeed in land and comestibles.

(To eat or not to eat, there is no question. Whether ’tis nobler to clog mine arteries with panzarottis or fast from God’s treats. To eat, perchance to have high cholesterol; aye, there’s the rub!)

I beg of thee, Wawa’s, to set up shop in the south! Oh, how we needest thine expertise! Oh, how I mourn the loss of hoagies.

I thank thee, ye suppliers who understand the necessity of introducsing such delectables to the land of the hungry–items such as Breyer’s ice cream, Entenmann’s pastries (especially chocolate-covered donuts, which no longer carry partially hydrogenated oil), and Tastykake specialties. I sing thy praises, Fred’s Philly Cheesesteaks on 15th Street, ye who provideth me with the glory of Philly, shipping daily for my delight. How you thrill in caring for those in your charge.

I beseech thee, Dallas, discover the pleasures of South Jersey foods!