About a year or two ago, the keys in my keyboard were going out. First this key, then another wouldn’t work, no matter how many times or how hard I tapped it. So I wrote this in response.

I was reminded of it today because ants crawl in and out of my keys as I work.

Enjoy!

Half a dozen keys on my keyboard don’t work. Story to come later. 

I hit send to email that tidbit to my editor, who will be none too happy. Life as a starving journalist presents its obstacles, like a deteriorating keyboard and no money for a new laptop. The control key (my shortcut to cut, copy, paste, save), most of the numbers, the hyphen (for which I mourn), and the plus/equals key (I’ve only needed it once since I’ve discovered the mishap).s When writing on a deadline with little time to edit, this could mean the death of my career. Random s’s and x’s and c’s show up on my manuscript, evidence of my attempts to save or cut or so on.

My editor emails back to setup an appointment with the IT guys. I’d love to, but there’s nothing they can do when the keyboard malfunctions because of the elves.

My beat focuses on the quirky human stories of our small town. Weeks upon weeks can go by without anything quirky or mildly interesting. Then, I’ll hit upon a week overflowing in a plethora of weirdness.

x

This week, my first lead was a woman who won the state lottery by choosing numbers according to a Magic Eight Ball. She’d go through each number for each slot and stop only when she got a “Definite” answer. It’s difficult to write about lottery numbers when the elves have taken out your numbers.

The second lead came from a callin. The man said his onehundredandfouryearold grandfather had premonitions about Pearl Harbor on December sixth and about Vietnam in nineteenhundredandfortysix. Too many dates. I don’t know why it took so long for this clincher of a story to show up in our town.s

My last story idea centered on numerology and how a math professor used number theory to create the perfect cup of coffee. Said professor gave me full permission to print the equation. No numbers. No plus or minus or equals key.

I thought about using the “InsertSymbol” function. Started a story or two with it. But I grew irritated with the tedium. Drat those elves.

When the elves first came, it began mildly enough. My screen would convulse like it was seizing, flashing black lines and miniature versions of what had been on my screen over and over again. I panicked, hitting every key available, finally holding down the power button until my computer obeyed. It would reboot and all would be fine.

But things got worse. The power button revolted, either taking the side of the elves, caving to their threat or, sadly, under their control. The only thing to do would be to unplug the computer and wait for the battery to wear down. I hated sapping its life like that, but it was for its own good, and it hurt me more than it hurt the computer.

Soon after, the blue screen of death would appear periodically.

And now this

Te elves look like ants, but I know tem for wat tey really are, evil messengers from my greagrandfaer wo prediced e downfall of civilizaion wen gore invened e inerne

I ink my greangrandfaer wans is naion o fall because e also said wed lose wwii, but maybe e was affected by e army denying is enlismen due o is missing rig arm
e elves disguised as ants walk off with my keys, one a ime, my apostrophe and period and now leerss ntil i ave noing lef bt a few of my kys

n vwls

I’ve lost all keys now, and am using the Insert Symbol function to say good bye and good luck.

Signing off,
Heather Goodman

Psst–If you find this post interesting and think others might as well, would you mind taking a minute to stumble it? It would mean a lot to me.