I saw this meme lurking around the High Calling Blog collection (a fun network of people that I recommend you check out if you haven't already) but thought, what odd job have I done? I skipped it. Then Brandon tagged me, and I can't very well go ignoring good tags now, can I? Which means I'm doing a meme and combining it with some unformed thoughts rattling around in my head about my job now. First the rules (because you can't have a game without rules--I tried once, and while it was fun for me, no one else wanted to play again):
1. Write about the Strangest Job I Ever Had and tell what I learned from it.
2. Link to other “Lessons from Odd Jobs” posts.
3. Tag my post “Lessons from Odd Jobs”.
4. Tag other bloggers, in or out of the HC network. (I tag Michelle, Tanya, and Pam because they're three good story-tellers.)
5. Link back to the Lessons from Odd Jobs page and and email this month’s host at “Marcus AT highcallingblogs DOT com”.
As I said, I've never had an odd job. I've been a janitor, a worship administrator, a women's ministry intern, a pharmaceutical tech, a music librarian, a medical receptionist, and a musician. I've babysat, edited, taught flute and piano lessons, played odd gigs at odd places, composed, and entered mass amounts of data. I've learned that author's are touchy, the floor of a man's bathroom is always sticky, and certain pills smell good.
But the strangest job I've ever had: a writer.
Who else gets away with hearing voices in their heads? Who else can zone out of conversations while creating alternate realities and have a legitimate excuse?
This brings me to the tweaking part of the meme. The wilderness part. You guys were with me as I wrote about becoming me, the imaginative theologian who loves the arts. It's who I am. I have visions of the Church being a patron of the arts, of incarnating Christ through art, of being a beacon of creativity. I have a desire to help shepherd and guide artists and lead them in spiritual formation. Something (or Someone, I should say) pushes me to do more with my writing, to work harder, to be excellence (by the way, there's a good article, The Habit of Excellence, up at The High Calling this week), to embody the sufferings and the hope of resurrection.
I'm an artist.
Or am I?
I'm a mediocre musician and a rookie writer. Am I an artist?
I'm in a place of stripping and purging. I prayed for insignificance that God would strip away my pride.
And He's answering it.
I read last night in Dark Night of the Soul
I'm in that process. Some of it, I suspect, is God telling me, No, that's not what I have for you when I take on jobs impetuously. Some of it is an answer to that prayer for insignificance. Some of it, I don't understand.
I feel alone. I feel useless. I've been in this wilderness for four years. God reveals things now and again, like oases. A couple years ago, I started writing. I thought, now we're getting somewhere!
Only I'm not anywhere.
It's not that I don't love my job and my life. I teach flute and piano. I spend most of the day writing. And I'm heading up a new group blog for bible.org (more on that later). I love my job(s).
But I wonder if God loves them. If He loves them, why doesn't He use them? If He loves them, why doesn't He give me that bit of encouragement when I ask for it?
So the oddest part of my odd job: watching everything be stripped away.
I can't help but think of the part in the Maundy Thursday service when the priests stripped the altar. Christ's presence gone (metaphorically speaking).
I can't help but think of Mary meeting Christ in the garden, of the travelers meeting Christ on the road to Emmaus, of the disciples meeting Christ in the locked room.
I warned you that these thoughts are unformed, swimming around without a dock. Next week, I'm going to the symposium, Transforming Culture: A Vision for the Church and the Arts. I'm looking forward to refreshment. I'm looking forward to just being who I am, an imaginative theologian, and perhaps, an artist.
My soul belongs to God, I know
I made that bargain long ago
He gave me hope when hope was gone
He gave me strength to journey on
Who am I?
I'm 24601!
You've written my thoughts and feelings, though much more eloquently than I could. I'm in the same spot -- striving to be in the center of God's will, but not really knowing where there is; feeling like a fraud, alone and tired. But God is faithful and He will bring us through. If no where else than to know Him more intimately and ourselves more thoroughly.
Thanks for the tag and the compliment! I skipped the HC carnival because I've not had any "odd" jobs either. But now I'll have to write you a story. :)
Hope you're having a wonderful time of refreshment!!!
I recognize the sings of the rigorous introspection that is a part of every writer. We are odd birds with odd jobs.
... you are an artist. And your passion has purpose.
And I'm touched by your transparency. Much of those feelings are ones I know well.
Thank you for this encouragement.
I feel like a fraud, and it's a struggle to learn to both work with diligence to improve the gifts He's given me (without being jealous of the gifts He's given others) and trusting Him to use what He's given me in the way He chooses.
... to hear you are feeling alone and useless. That is a hard place to be.
I can sympathize and relate to you, Heather. Of course, being an artistic mom that stays home with her kids, my wilderness looks a bit different than yours. :) The thought of going to the church and art symposium you're talking about is a dream for me. Spending the majority of my day creating art, or writing, or playing a musical instrument can sometimes be the holy grail for me. It's what I pine for- what you might call the green grass on the other side of the proverbial fence.
Sometimes I chafe under what I consider the be the shackles holding my creative expression down. (Kids, home life, being in a small church without the resources to support my idea of a cool arts ministry, fill in the blank with almost anything.)
I can walk around in a snit most days because I'm not getting what I think I deserve, or what God has promised me, or I dunno- some wacky interpretation of what I think I need to survive creatively. If I choose a snit, a variety of snits are readily available.
What struck me as VERY humorous was to read Mark's comment title, "Learning to Say No." I immediately thought to myself after reading your entry, "Wow, I need to learn to say YES!" Isn't that funny how differently God impresses things on each of us?!
I need to say yes to the places that God has put my creative personage- in the home, in the small church, in the schoolroom with the kids. Perhaps it is not the artistic nirvana I had thought it might be, but there are people like Heather who are going to symposiums that can tell me about it. There are folks in large churches that can worship together over the church-purchased weaving looms and potters wheels. I'm glad that even if I can't personally take part in those things, that someone somewhere can feed their spirit on them.
One of my very favorite SoulPerSuit cards I've ever made was my interpretation of Psalm 23. It says simply, "Wherever the Good Shepherd has me is a green pasture." Boy howdy, I need to tack that one to my forehead.
Thanks for an inspiring discussion... you're making me think and feel. And I totally love "24601."
I'm so thankful for who God's made me and the gifts He gives me. Even last night, after reading some of Dark Night, it was healing to sit at the piano and express some of these feelings in song. I let my fingers go where they would and wrote a song about being in the wilderness, about the manna and the quail, about wandering. Then I played some blues, pulling the sounds over me like you would a comforter in bed.
But what do I do with this?
We have the same question. You are an amazing person, Erin. I love to see how you use your creativity to teach and train your children and how you use it to lead Soul Per Suit (and am really looking forward to the Colossians study, by the way!) I know your church is blessed to have you, even if they don't understand you.
I'm expecting you to share some notes and insights from the church and art symposium so I can live vicariously. Is it that one in the Houston area that I've read about?
Colossians study: Still working out the schedule on this. Probably mid-April. We'll post the registration date on SoulPerBlog. Do you have Cappuccino with Colossians already?
You know, one really cool thing I've been able to embrace about being home with my kids is the amount of creative expression we get to enjoy together every week. If they were off at school, they'd get an art or music class maybe once a week. And there certainly wouldn't be a lot of creative carry over into their other subjects.
The way we have the freedom to express what we're learning creatively (right now it's Native Americans) and synthesize through all learning modes and categories is a real blessing.
See? The grass IS green in this pasture I'm in!
You can bet your paintbrushes I'll be sharing notes! It's in Austin.
I don't have the book yet. I'll be out of town April 12-20, so if I don't respond in time, don't lose hope on me. Would it be okay if I joined late?
Ok, I was waiting for the Jean Valjean tie as soon as I saw your title ;) But isn't it, "I made that bargain long ago..." I wouldn't note it except that it seems important. Belonging to God doesn't have to be a burden...but it is a deal of sorts, a deal where we follow wherever he leads in return for the gift of salvation and, ultimately, of ourselves. Keep walking, Heather-girl. He's still there.
I told you I found my Les Mis cd's right?!
I saw that title and immediately began singing. :)
It's hard when God seems to say that's not what I have for you. He's been teaching me that lesson a lot lately. "Learn to say, 'no,' Marcus." I'm trying to learn.
And I keep coming back to what J. I. Packer said to us recently. Don't let good be the enemy of great. We have to learn to say no to good things that we're not called to do. It's tough.
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